I’m going to talk about 10 of these that come up over and over during therapy sessions, but you may also have some in your relationships that have the same effect. What they have in common is that they are not as easily noted in the early stages of a relationship but cause emotional allergies over time.
Constant expressions of outrage are either tolerated by others or agreed with and expanded. They are most often a cover for powerlessness but still inject toxicity into the relationship when continually expressed. Outrages are often not susceptible to fixing. They have a life of their own that transfers powerlessness to the other partner
he White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland proclaims, “I’m late. I’m late. For a very important date. No time to say hello/goodbye. I’m late. I’m late.” People who live in a state of urgency cannot relax, continuously anticipate potential crises and are in constant readiness for combat mode. Their focus is on the future and they cannot be fully present in what is going on in the moment.
Are you easily irked? Do most people and situations often irritate you? Do you react quickly when things don’t go the way you expected? Do others feel called upon often to “calm you down?” No one can be around a person who is that intolerant of too many small issues in most situations. It just takes away the joy of anything good or joyful that could be focused upon instead
Have you known someone, or are you someone, who has to go over things repeatedly and relive every anguishing moment? They are obsessive about getting to the bottom of things even if they endlessly repeat themselves. They usually are so preoccupied by these forever searches that they cannot let in new information that might actually help stop the cycle.
It is very hard to be on the other end of someone who can only see the world from their own point of view, talks only about themselves, doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself, doesn’t track things you’ve told them, and steals the lion’s share of every interaction. If that person is charismatic and fascinating, it may be worth the show, but don’t bother competing.
here is just no successful way to deal with a person who consistently keeps you waiting. They usually feel terrible doing that to you so it is hard to chastise them, but it will ultimately drive you crazy. The most common reason for chronic lateness is inertia. These people can’t easily let go of what they are doing and don’t plan enough time to transfer from one situation to another. Nevertheless, they are often labeled as passive/aggressive and unable to be tolerated
Consistently not honoring agreements is a sure way to push others away. Trust in a relationship is core to its success. If someone wants to keep your trust, then they can’t ignore or rationalize breaking an agreement without an attempt to renegotiate in advance, or a sincere promise to change that behavior. I
A person who is paranoid about being taken advantage of is often concerned about getting the short end of the stick. They may show that by undertipping waiters, bargaining to get the best deal in every interaction, taking more easily than they give, and being quick to blame others for taking advantage of them. They do not feel that others deserve their generosity if they haven’t earned it by their own standards.
Playful teasing is totally acceptable if the teaser and “teasee” are both okay with the interaction. But sarcasm usually has some level of scorn or mockery driving it. The joke is on the person on the other end who may be good-natured enough to laugh, but it’s a rose-covered hilt and doesn’t usually feel good.