Sam and Jake* were colleagues. They were also best friends. Jake knew that one of Sam’s career goals was to move into the position of director of their department after the current director retired. Jake’s interests were in another area of the company. So when the position opened up, Sam assumed he would have his friend’s support. Instead, Jake said to Sam, “Hey, buddy. You’ve got competition for the director’s position—me.”
Sometimes what we perceive may not be the truth. It may merely be our perception which would be based on a subjective belief system. For example, a while back, a friend of mine thought that I betrayed him by backing out on something I had promised. However, in my mind, I never made the promise. It was a difference in perception that led to the misunderstanding. After several talks and effort to rebuild the friendship, we finally buried the hatchet and mended the rift between us.
This is obviously connected to the first step, since you can’t reality-test your perceptions without your friend's feedback. Many times this kind of discussion leads to a resolution. But sometimes, as happened with Jake and Sam, the resolution isn’t what you expect or want.
If you can’t get your friend to talk to you, talk things over with someone whose opinion you value. But don’t play the gossip game. It might feel good to turn a mutual friend against a friend who's wronged you, but in the end it will just make the situation worse. Receiving advice from someone who is disengaged and neutral is not the same thing as talking about a friend behind their back.
Sometimes this simply means waiting until you both cool down. Daniel Goleman, the author of many books about emotional intelligence, says that we all need time cool off in order to manage conflict. Time out, physical exercise, or even a good night’s sleep can give your body and your brain a chance to reset so that you don’t repeat the same arguments and head toward a stalemate.
his may sound weird coming from a psychotherapist, but sometimes not talking about a problem is the best thing you can do for your friendship. As you may know from my other posts, I think a lot of popular mystery stories offer good psychological insights. One example is found in Sue Grafton’s character Kinsey Millhone, who, after an argument with a close friend, says:
As Kenny Rogers says in “The Gambler,” you have to “know when to fold 'em.” Sometimes that means giving up a specific battle, and other times it means giving up an entire friendship. This is not always an easy decision, and it definitely needs to be made when you are calm. Don’t end a friendship in the heat of an argument; take the time to cool off.
Conclusion
Whether you win or lose the fight, whether you decide to stay friends or not, find a way to let go of your hurt, resentment, and sadness. It takes time, but sometimes we have to actively decide to let go and move on. Holding onto hurt and pain doesn’t do you or your friendships any good.
Conclusion
Sometimes people who we think are on our side turn out not to be, for reasons we may never learn. If this happens, don't seek revenge, but move on and away from the hurt. Other friends can help with this.
Conclusion
Most friends don’t set out to hurt us. When we are hurt by a friend, the pain is usually accidental and the person who caused it feels sorry—even if they cannot bring themselves to apologize.
Conclusion